The Unexpected Grief of Motherhood: Navigating Loss While Embracing Change

Motherhood changes everything overnight—sleep schedules vanish, control over time disappears, and even personal space becomes a luxury. One of the hardest adjustments is realizing that the old ways of managing life—checking off to-do lists, staying productive, and striving for achievements—don’t always work anymore.

As a postpartum therapist in Denver, I see many moms struggling with the unexpected grief that comes with this transformation. Alongside the beauty of motherhood is the loss of who you once were. It’s like a part of you is gone, and a new version is being born. Navigating this change while caring for a newborn can feel overwhelming. The first step is awareness—let’s explore what you might be grieving in motherhood and how to move through it.

The Many Losses of Motherhood

The Loss of Sleep Schedules and Energy

Whew—this was one of the biggest shifts for me when I became a mom. Even now, with two kids, disrupted sleep still frustrates me (and for good reason!). Sleep deprivation impacts everything—mood, patience, emotional regulation, and overall wellbeing. The exhaustion of postpartum and early parenthood can make even the simplest tasks, like brushing your teeth, feel impossible.

Adjusting Expectations Around Sleep

Every mom enters motherhood with different sleep habits, so the adjustment isn’t the same for everyone. But one shift that helps is adjusting your expectations. If you can’t sleep, you can still rest. I found it helpful in the early days to allow myself to rest—whether that meant closing my eyes while rocking my baby or choosing stillness over scrolling my phone. Letting yourself rest, even without sleep, can ease frustration and make those exhausting days feel a little more manageable.

The Loss of Time and Control

Before motherhood, time may have felt like something you could manage—setting goals, making plans, and following routines. Then a baby enters the picture, and unpredictability takes over. For moms who identify as high achievers, this loss of control can be one of the hardest adjustments.

Allowing for New Rhythms

Here’s the thing—productivity is a byproduct of a culture that values achievement above all else. Many women enter motherhood expecting they can still structure their days the same way, only to find that the old ways of measuring success no longer apply. But here’s what I’ve learned: humans are adaptable. Motherhood gives us an opportunity to reframe what productivity looks like for us now. When we stop fighting for control and allow new rhythms to unfold, we create space to embrace a different pace of life—one that aligns with the season of motherhood we’re in.

The Loss of Personal Space and Autonomy

Constant touch and endless demands from a newborn or young child can feel overstimulating, even when it comes from a place of love. Craving space from your little one—or even your partner—doesn’t make you a bad mom. As a postpartum therapist in Denver, I hear this all the time: “I love my baby, but I just need a break.” And yet, so many moms feel guilty for wanting space.

Small Moments Can Make a Difference

Here’s the truth, Mama—our culture has sold us the harmful myth that “good moms” should love every moment of motherhood and never want time away from their children. But that’s not how we were meant to mother. We were never meant to do this alone. We were meant to raise children within a village, where they could learn from others and we could take moments for ourselves—without guilt. I know it’s hard to find time in those early days, but even small moments of personal space can make a difference. Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your mental health and wellbeing in motherhood.

The Loss of Identity

Motherhood changes who we are. Our roles shift, relationships evolve, and even our core values may change. Careers may take a backseat, friendships may fade or deepen in unexpected ways, and the way we see the world may transform. And yet, amidst all this change, society pressures moms to “bounce back” to who they were before—when in reality, there is no going back, only forward.

Who Am I Now?

With so much change, it’s natural to wonder, Who am I now? It’s a big question—one that doesn’t have an easy or immediate answer. Give yourself permission to grieve the version of yourself that got you here. Honor her. Thank her for all she did to prepare you for motherhood. And then, allow yourself to step into curiosity about the woman you are becoming. At times, you may feel lost throughout this transformation, but I can assure you there are also new, beautiful layers of yourself waiting to be discovered.

Moving Forward: Acknowledging the Loss While Embracing the Change

Now that we’ve explored some of the unexpected losses that come with motherhood, let’s talk about how to acknowledge them. The first step is awareness—recognizing that grief is a natural part of the transformation of becoming a mother. But many of us want to skip the next step: actually feeling the grief before moving forward. Let’s explore how to do that together.

Practical Ways to Process Loss

Therapists often talk about “processing” emotions, but what does that really mean? Simply put, if we don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions, they don’t just disappear—they get stuck in our bodies, building up like a pressure cooker until they come out in unexpected ways.

Visualize the Grief Part

Grief is no exception. The next time you notice yourself grieving any of these shifts in motherhood, take a moment to pause. Where do you feel it in your body? Does it have a weight, a texture, a color? Imagine it as a part of you or a friend, simply asking to be acknowledged. Sometimes, just allowing yourself to feel the emotion—rather than pushing it away—can lighten its grip. When we give ourselves permission to grieve, we also create space for healing, growth, and even joy in this new chapter.

Find a Therapist

If you’re struggling to process the grief and loss that come with motherhood, please know—you’re not alone. So many moms wrestle with these feelings, and it’s okay to need support. When looking for a therapist, try to find someone who specializes in perinatal mental health—someone who truly understands the complexities of this transition. As a perinatal therapist in Denver, I help moms acknowledge the immense shifts they’re experiencing, explore the parts of themselves they miss, and navigate the often invisible load of motherhood. You don’t have to carry it all on your own. You deserve support, too.

Join a Community

Motherhood can feel isolating, especially when you're navigating emotions you never expected. Sometimes, simply knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference. Connecting with others who understand the grief, loss, and identity shifts of motherhood can help you process these changes in a way that feels supportive and healing. Whether it’s a local mom’s group, a postpartum support circle, or an online community, finding your people can remind you that you don’t have to carry this alone.

Grief and Joy Can Coexist

One of the greatest lessons of motherhood is learning to hold paradox—the both-and of life. Motherhood is full of contradictions; moms, often without choice, become experts at holding opposing truths at the same time. You can love your baby fiercely and miss the freedom of your old life. You can be deeply grateful for motherhood and grieve the parts of yourself that feel lost. You can feel overwhelming joy and waves of sadness, frustration, or resentment—all in the same breath. Grief and joy can coexist. Acknowledging this paradox—rather than fighting it—can bring a sense of relief and self-compassion as you navigate this new version of you.

Finding Meaning

Motherhood is one of the most profound transformations a person can go through. When a baby is born, so is a mother. And just like our babies, we are starting anew—learning and growing into this role. There’s undeniable loss in leaving behind who we were before motherhood, but there’s also opportunity. Instead of resisting the change, we can allow it to shape us. We can grieve who we once were and embrace who we are becoming. We can soften, expand, and evolve into a version of ourselves that is wiser, more resilient, and deeply attuned to what truly matters.

The emotional shifts of motherhood are real, and the grief that comes with change is a natural part of the journey. If you’re struggling with this transition, you don’t have to do it alone—support is available and you deserve to be supported, Mama.

As a postpartum therapist in Denver, I help moms navigate these changes, process the emotions that come with them, and find a sense of self amid the transformation.

Schedule a free clarity call today for counseling in Denver, and let’s walk this journey together.